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How many hundred ads have you seen lately for Cialis and Viagra? And it’s not just women who need help, either, with our needs for lube, hormone creams, a clean fridge, and the perfect number of glasses of wine beforehand.
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One friend, early 50s, who had a decent married sex life for 20-plus years, told me recently that peri-menopause had quashed her desire a 60-something friend described sex with her husband as “not quite as bad as root canal.” (Ha! Okay, though, not that funny.) The point is, keeping your sex life “healthy”-or, frankly, keeping one at all in a very long-term marriage-is actually not particularly natural. Many of the otherwise loving 50-plus couples I know-the few who have managed to stay together for decades, that is-don’t have tons of sex, and even among those who do, it can be problematic. If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex before you get married and remove a penny for every time after, you’ll never run out of pennies.Īctually, a lot of us. That’s a hefty chunk of mid-lifers contentedly watching Netflix in their flannels and face cream, right? Who knew? (Only 31 percent of these couples said they have sex several times a week.) Also-interestingly-even among the couples who said they were “extremely happy,” a quarter of them rarely or never had sex.
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A survey reported in AARP a few years ago showed that of 8,000 people aged 50 or older, a full third in relationships reported rarely or never having sex another almost-third-28 percent-said they do it only a couple of times a month, and eight percent once a month. (Read about this arrangement here, originally from my book The Bitch is Back and reprinted in NextTribe.) But that practice might apply more widely to younger couples. And a once-a-week, scheduled-sex agreement post marriage-and-kids isn’t unusual or wrong, especially when he wants it constantly and she feels constantly pressured. The point is, sexual disparity in a couple is common, and usually, though not always, it’s the man who wants more. He says, “Hardly ever maybe three times a week.” She says, “ Constantly! I’d say three times a week.” And then there’s the well-ish known, if controversial, concept of “lesbian bed death”: the idea that long-term lesbian couples have the least sex of any type of couple, ostensibly because women have less sexual desire than men.
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How This Couple Saved A Lustless Marriage Dear SOI:Īs the joke goes, “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex before you get married and remove a penny for every time after, you’ll never run out of pennies.” Or recall the famous lines from the movie Annie Hall : The therapists ask both halves of a couple how often they have sex. Read More: When One Wants Sex and the Other Doesn’t. TIME.ĭo I continue to close my eyes and endure that 30 minutes once a week to enjoy the other 99 percent of my life? He does not take testosterone or engage in porn he just wants sex with me. If I bring it up, he immediately says that if we don’t have sex, we should divorce. The thing is, other than sex, I love spending time with my husband we get along well and enjoy each other’s company. (I had no family support, no money, a lack of self-esteem, and young children.) But I’m now 60, with some physical issues starting to crop up. Finally, several years ago, I decided to keep the relationship and family intact by agreeing to sex once a week. We went to therapy, but that didn’t help. At first I was a willing participant, but after years of his moping, cajoling, screaming, and disrespect, I lost interest. I love my husband, but when it comes to sex, he has been, and still is, a 14-year-old boy. Yesterday, we published the third most-read story. Our Answer Queen, Cathi Hanauer, offers a smart, compassionate contemplation of the role of sex within a marriage and what spouses should and shouldn’t be willing to do for each other.
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This story came in second, with 383,000 readers. Editor’s Note: As we mark our Fifth Anniversary, we went back to look at our most-read stories since we launched in February 2017.